This summer has been hard because God has stripped me of everything in my life that kept me comfortable. If you listened to the audio diary “Twenty is for growth.” from my recent project, I used the word “weird” to describe this current season I’m in. Truthfully, it has been weird, it’s been difficult, and above all it has been excruciatingly uncomfortable.
The first month or so of this whole thing I thought, I’ll pray, press into God more than I had been before, remove distractions as best as I can, and I’ll be good. Month two...I struggled. A week prior to my birthday I was emotionally exhausted and didn’t care if I made it to the next week.
Dropping “Twenty.” helped me begin to put things into perspective and gave me the energy needed to move forward and look at this season as something to grow through, instead of victimizing myself and sustaining an attitude that created more suffering than necessary.
I’ve been in a really weird headspace and it’s been difficult to try to explain because whenever I’m in a funk I go into hyperdrive to try and get myself out it, but as of right now...I’m tired. I know I could very well look back at this post (and this summer) and think I've reached peak dramatiqué. But the growth this season is forcing me to undergo and the fortitude it has created in my spirit is not by happenstance. I know it isn’t.
Everything I used as a crutch or thought I needed means nothing if I am not steadfast in knowing God and committed to becoming who He has called me to be. I’m not focused on the isolated situations or circumstances, but rather the greater, overarching lessons.
For example (just for full disclosure), as of right now, I am not 100% sure if I’m going back to school in the fall. I’m not concerned with finishing my degree in a certain time-frame. I can come up with back-up plans and solutions to this and it may not even be an issue in the long run. The lesson: The fact that I believe(d) I need Howard to find good opportunities and to be successful. The fact that I got way too comfortable in the path I was on.
Despite the extreme discomfort and depression I’ve been experiencing the past few months, I am confident in God’s plan for my life and trust Him completely (as difficult as it may be in the moment). I trust Him because, frankly, I don’t know what else to do and feel like I'm running out of options. I will also not allow this season to lead me down a more comfortable path where I avoid an opportunity to truly take responsibility for my life. So I confidently choose the former and will move forward with faith.
I don't want anyone to read this and feel bad for me or think I'm going crazy or anything. I'll be good because God told me I'll be good. The woman I am becoming as a result of this season will be much better because of it; for God is in the midst of her, so she shall not be moved.